![]() In the fawn response, people are the danger, and disconnection from ourselves is what allows us to seem social. In tend-and-befriend responses, we use socialization and connection to face a threat together, to come alongside people and support them as we face shared danger or to ask them to help us cope with something. Both fawn and tend-and-befriend involve a social response to a threat. I’m writing about tend-and-befriend briefly here because it is easy to confuse the two stress responses. Tend-and-befriend is not a draining stress response, and I typically don’t need any recovery time after it. Unlike fawning, tend-and-befriend is a function of the Safe state (ventral vagus social engagement) in response to neuroception of danger. Here are a few examples: a woman who feels unsafe at work calls her office friend over to chat, a child who is bullied at school asks an adult for help, a parent responds to their baby’s cries, a person who was just in a car wreck calls their partner Studies have shown this stress response is more common in women than in men (due to socialization, not any innate difference). We soothe our stress through friendships and community care. Taylor on the observation that human beings “affiliate” in response to stress. The concept of the tend-and-befriend response was originally developed by Dr. However, with practice (typically in early childhood) these movements can become smooth enough that others might not realize we are fawning, and even we might not realize we are fawning. Movement of our vocal chords, eyes, cheek muscles, mouths, etc without the Safe state doesn't have the same innate flow or rhythm to it, so sometimes it is very obvious when someone is in a fawn response. The Freeze (dorsal vagus) circuit causes dissociation and disconnection to suppress any expression that does not meet others needs and to protect our psyche from the loss of autonomy involved in the survival performance.įawning behaviors can use the facial and cranial nerves that we typically might associate with the Safe state (ventral vagus). The Fight/Flight (sympathetic) system provides the power or fuel for movement and micro-movements that meet the needs of others. This is like pushing the gas pedal on a car while the emergency brake is engaged - and why fawning as a habitual long-term protective strategy causes major health problems. The fawn response involves both Fight/Flight and Freeze activation at the same time. In terms of polyvagal theory, when we neurocept (subconsciously perceive) a certain level of danger, the fawn response is one of the possible trauma responses that our body uses for survival purposes. But giving up our Selves a little at a time to earn approval is also a kind of fawning, and if we fail to recognize this as a trauma response, we may mistake codependence for connection. ![]() It’s easier to recognize fawning when danger is obvious, particularly as a response to violence or abuse. We don’t usually recognize fawning in these circumstances. It is common for parents to think that entraining a fawn response will benefit their child in the world (although they would never use the word fawn to describe sacrificing their own needs for the sake of others). Schools, from daycares to high schools to universities, require fawning to navigate social interactions and classroom etiquette. Many social events require fawning - after all, no one wants to be the Debbie Downer at a party. Standards of professionalism in most workplaces require fawning. We are conditioned to perform *prosocial behaviors in almost every social setting regardless of our internal state. Fawning is a trauma response, and it’s also an expected social behavior in western cultures. It’s something I’ve done since I was a very small child, and it’s something that I observe people doing around me almost every day. ![]() Arielle Schwartzįawning is taking care of others by suppressing my own emotions, needs, or identity. “Fawn is the process of abandoning self for the purpose of attending to the needs of others.” - Dr. “Fawn types seek safety by merging with the wishes, needs and demands of others.” - Pete Walker
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